Monday, March 30, 2009

Taking off

One of those take offs. The airplane speeded on the grumpy asphalt and I leaned back straight, as I do always. And the second it took off, I closed my eyes and leaned even stronger to the back of the chair, feeling almost lying on it and this physical feeling was so strong, probably because of my emotional state. Together with that awkward physical sensation I felt overwhelmingly happy. So happy that tears gathered inside my eyes. I felt so there, so alive. Happy, out of nothing.

It must have been the book. I had been reading it for more than four hours now starting from the airport in Prague. One line, which the book characters found in one of the bars saying ‘Combat alcoholism by drinking wine’ made me smile. I had been drinking wine each evening last week, and in fact I’ve been keen on wine past three years.

Little details that construct life is in fact life itself. Just small details. Or things, that can be expressed in small details. There is this large nonsense, immobility, routine and then, there are these small details that mean so much.

The sixth chapter. Anne goes to Chicago and meets Luwis. The characters in this book unfold in front of me like absolutely real people, whom I study, observe, change opinion about them, change the way I perceive them. I recognize myself in those simple words and I feel confident. No more loneliness.

‘But if I come, that would be to see you. Do you have any time?’
‘I have all my time’, he said laughing. ‘My time is all mine.’
From ‘The Mandarins’ by Simone de Beauvoir

How at that moment I wished I were brave enough for my time to be all mine. No, in fact that’s just a justification of wasting my time, or rather, taking it too seriously. I take my time too seriously. Happiness has no time frame. It exists in somewhere beyond time and space. And sometimes I grasp it. I just need a push. In this chapter she is happy. No, that is not the word.

‘Nothing was asked of me; I had to be exactly what I was and a man’s desire transformed me into a miracle of perfection. It was so restful that if the sun had stopped in the middle of the sky, eternity would have slipped by without my noticing it.’
From ‘The Mandarins’ by Simone de Beauvoir

Before these hours of reading on the plane and in the airports, we got into a car to drive from Kolin to Prague. There were three of us and we had to squeeze in the back seat as we were told the driver had a company. En elder woman, Marjike, grew nervous as the driver stood talking of the phone, not hurrying to start moving. He did not speak English. And it was funny conversation as Marjike was explaining to him that her plain was leaving at 3.00 and the driver giving a long monologue in Czech with a ridiculing face. So we waited. The one sitting between us in the back was Sofia, a beautiful Spanish energetic woman. She took everything so close, I wished I could be able to get involved in other people’s demands so easily. I thought her unshaved armpit suited her and it looked beautiful, as if that’s how it should have been anyhow. Then a blond girl walked out of pizzeria across the road holding a pizza box. She was wearing cheap jeans and a pink jumper. There it was, we had been waiting for her. She sat next to the driver and I imagined them together. As they ate pizza, they were looking at each other and exchanging words and I felt they both had in mind their previous night or an upcoming one. Their pizza eating interaction had something erotic to it. They resembled couple for some film I had seen once or several times.

Landing in Tbilisi made me close the book. I was restless. I wanted to continue. At least continue to be awake. It was over 3 o’clock in the morning when the plane landed. And now, I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow.

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